However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me–the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.
(Acts 20:24)
There was a time long ago when I considered this to be my life verse. It was that word of scripture that best explained my feelings and attitude toward life and all that awaited me in the future. I thought then that I didn't care what happened, whether I got married, had a family, found myself in the jungle in Africa or a pulpit in the USA, all that mattered was that I was serving God and making him known. It will soon be 18 years since I first happened upon this verse. I wish I could say I've lived it out faithfully and fearlessly. Truth is I've done a few things here and there that I think show my commitment to Christ and his Kingdom. I've served a number of people in all kinds of various contexts and situations. But there's been so much worry and concern for my own life that this verse has changed for me.
When I was a young 20 something it seemed the verse spoke my heart and sincere desire, my unshakeable commitment to go where the Lord would lead and do and say whatever he told me to do or say. Now as an older 30 something it speaks of desire, but more like the out of reach kind. I don't mean it is not attainable, all things are possible, but I just see how different my life is today than it was at 20. I don't have a wife and kids but I do have a family and I have made decisions about how and where I'll live my life for them, so I can help them and be available. (Am I like the man who told Jesus, "first, let me go and bury my father?" Can I hear Jesus' stinging rebuke, "let the dead bury the dead?") The older I get it seems like the dream of serving in foreign lands gets pushed farther and farther away. I have fears. I want to be bold, and I do have a great confidence in Christ for many things, but call it age, wisdom or whatever, I know today that when I read this passage that whatever I might have once thought, I am no Paul, Church Planting missionary, willing to go wherever whenever just to have opportunity to share the love of Christ. I think I am a little bit like those disciples of Jesus when he asked if they too would leave him, like the crowds and other disciples did when they no longer liked his teaching. Peter, I believe, answered for them all saying, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." Don't get me wrong there is a commitment in the words but not the kind of fearless determination we see in Paul. It's not the ringing endorsement you or I would want from a potential spouse, "well, there's nobody better out there. So, yea, I'll marry you." They're basically saying they don't know what else to do, where else to go.
That is a little bit like how I feel at times. I don't know what else I could do other than ministry. And I see the danger in that kind of attitude. I don't want it to be that way. I really do love the Lord, and I love serving Him. I love preaching and teaching and getting to know people and helping people. But sometimes it feels like there ought to be more. Maybe not more to do, but more focus, more passion, a greater desire to see people come to know the Lord Jesus Christ. Every once in a while I get glimpses of those desires in my heart but they definitely are not what they once were. In a phrase, "the fire doesn't seem to burn as bright." It seems an indictment to admit it, and I certainly don't mean I don't enjoy ministry, but i have to confess that my heart isn't where I think it should be. So I guess more than anything this verse has become for me a prayer, "Lord, do work within me, by the power of your Holy Spirit, that I may truly consider my life worth nothing to me, that I may finish the race and compete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." Maybe, just maybe, there is some hope for me. Maybe this race is not a sprint, but a marathon, as they say. Maybe there is a place for a steady commitment and the warmth of hot coals. They may not burn bright but the heat they generate can be trusted. I pray this is the truth of my faith and life, for I do want to finish my race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me.
